Wines and Spices II – Communication

Wines and Spices II – Communication

By Comfort Umoren-Olorunnisomo

Photo Credit: Psychalive

In our previous article, we talked about sex as one of the three major causes of crises in marriage where the other two are communication and money. In this article, we will be discussing causes of communication break-down and possible ways to ensure effective communication within the context of marriage (effective).

You cannot not communicate! Communication may not be the solution to all problems but it can sure serve as a tool to identify and solve problems. Research has shown that most couples who are happily married communicate (verbally and non-verbally) more often and freely than couples who do not. With the advent of technology, more and more couples are drifting apart as each is glued to his/her phone. An article published on first things first’s site (2017) states that an average couple spends 20 minutes a week talking with each other. This means that we update ourselves with happenings around the globe via social media more than we update ourselves of our spouse’s daily activities.

Even when we communicate with our spouses, we adopt the one-way communication model where we talk ‘to’ our spouses instead of talking ‘with’ them, hence, not encouraging feedback. In two-way communication, both parties take turns to express their thoughts, ideas, feelings and emotions and there is exchange of roles as there is no permanent speaker or listener thereby ensuring feedback. There shouldn’t only be two-way communication but a friendly atmosphere for each to freely express their thought without fear of oppression or victimization.

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There shouldn’t only be conversation on only religious and trivial issues but on ALL issues that affect each and both partners ranging from finance to family to career to sex to fears among others. “For they were both naked and not ashamed” also means they could talk about anything and everything without need for secrets, shame or fear. In achieving a two-way communication, you should start by being open, be the change you want to see. When you open up, the other person would feel guilty not reciprocating. When you watch family game shows, you would be amazed at how couples can hardly tell simple details about their spouse such as primary/secondary school attended, likely behaviour/decisions in certain situations and favourite music among others. Being open first is not an automatic guarantee that your spouse would immediately do same. It takes time; however, don’t give up if s/he takes a longer time to come around. You can encourage them to talk by being interested and engaging with them in activities they love or that allows gisting such as assisting her in doing chores, watching his/her favourite movie/programme with him/her, taking a walk, playing games with him/her and other less serious activities.

Interestingly, most people cannot freely talk with their spouse because of fear of blackmail/violence/misinterpretation, lack of friendship/trust or presence of tension/pain/unsettled issues. When one’s spouse is manipulative or has a history of turning/using his/her partner’s words against him/her, the other partner may not feel safe freely expressing their feelings, thoughts or ideas. In such cases, the guilty partner has to put in effort to repent and re/assure his/her spouse of repentance. Even the worst of introverts still feel safe to talk freely with people they trust and who they feel understand them and would not judge them likewise in marriage/relationships. So, cultivate the habit of engaging in honest and open conversations with your partner. You will be amazed at what you will find out and how a two-way communication can help resolve issues.

Also, do not assume for the other person. If in doubt, ask him/her. Do not conclude, assume or explain away their actions without first hearing from them as many things can go wrong or pile up from hidden and unresolved grudges. Instead of waiting for their ‘cup to be full’ why not immediately empty the cup each time a bad content enters so as to avoid the content spilling on you. Immediately your spouse does something wrong, discuss with him/her and if it is a bad time, wait until the coast is clear then start up a conversation to address the issue. Preferably, adopt the biblical advice of not letting the sun set before you forgive, which could also mean not letting the day end without resolving the dispute with your partner. This also applies to when they do something good, don’t wait till tomorrow to appreciate them, thank or compliment them immediately.

Furthermore, be a good listener, don’t always be the talker. Allow the other person to express themselves and engage turn-taking rules i.e the two of you shouldn’t be talking at the same time as this could lead to quarrel. Be considerate and careful with your choice of words and talk with respect regardless of whether you are the man or woman, failure to choose your words carefully and less respectfully could escalate the problem instead of resolving it. Sometimes, all your spouse needs at the time is just a listening ear. Listen with empathy. Listen actively – let your body, mind and emotion be present. Sometimes, it is just I am sorry that will solve the entire problem even if you aren’t at fault then later you can iron/argue things out when his/her mood is light. There are no winners or losers in marriage. Don’t be too quick to say it except when it is glaring you have erred. Allow him/her to finish expressing him/herself else, it would mean you just want to shut him/her up with your apology. Say it and mean it!

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People are different, some are not just the type that talk much, understand your spouse’s nature to know whether that is all they can say on the issue or they don’t just want to talk. If the later is the case, don’t force them or press further, just allow it go, when you continue creating an atmosphere of friendship and love, they will eventually come around.

Be sincere. Trust is built where there is sincerity. Build it over time and let them be comfortable enough to trust you (again).

In conclusion, effective communication helps to save you, your spouse and your home from a lot of trouble, costs and heartaches. Be assertive and strive to communicate effectively.