Wines and Spices: Money

Wines and Spices: Money

By Comfort Umoren-Olorunnisomo

In the previous episodes of wines and spices, we looked at the roles of sex and communication in marriage and how couples can improve on them in their marriages since sex, communication and money have been identified as the three major causes of crises in marriages across the globe. So, in this last episode, we will be focusing on money.

Photo credit: Psychologytoday

Money! Money!! Money!!! They say it makes the world go round, yet, ‘the love of it’ is said to be the ‘root of all evil.’ Money plays a vital role in oiling the wheels of any union yet if not properly managed could tear the home apart. Finance is one aspect of the family that needs to be carefully managed as lack, mismanagement or emotions attached to it can lead to un/necessary drama and conflict and in some cases, the end of the relationship. This is because money is a limited resources with a spirit when the more/less you have, the more you want, hence, it requires proper management, and tact between partners.

Most times, our perception and attitude to money are formed by our background and/or past experience. Therefore, issues surrounding money need to be discussed with one’s significant other so as to understand their stance if the family must achieve its financial goals such as building a house, buying a car and paying bills among others. In some homes, money is sacred and discussed once in a while (or never) adopting the one way communication model where one partner talks and the other only listens. A survey carried out by the American Psychological Association showed that 72% of respondents reported that discussing money-related issues with their spouses stress them out while 31% disclosed that it resulted in conflict and misunderstanding in their marriages (Silverman, 2018).

In preventing money related strains in your relationship, keep open and honest discussions on what the family earns and how the family spends. Talk about money freely and encourage the other person to do same. This promotes trust and accountability as some people are emotional about money. Although, some may want to keep their earnings, savings and ATM pins a secret from their partner, maybe because they feel their spouse is a spendthrift, a penny-pincher, cannot be trusted with money or may want to curb their spending sprees.  Whatever the situation, it pays to be open to your partner as this will give you peace and both of you can join forces to achieve family goals and projects especially if you both have talked about it and understand your financial capacity. That way no one will be expecting or spending what the family does not have capacity for. For (wo)men who keep their income a secret, their significant other may end up demanding or spending more or believing their partner is too stingy or has other places/things/person(s) they spend their money on, this breeds suspicion and lack of trust thereby putting further strains on their relationship. If you trust your partner enough to spend the rest of your life with them, you should trust them enough with your resources.

Photo credit: Investopedia

Different strokes for different folks. All marriages are not the same, find out what works for your family by relating with your spouse. For some families, both partners agree on a percentage of each person’s income (if need be) that goes into savings/family project, upkeep of the home and payment of bills, depending on each individual’s income. For some other families, they operate just one family account where both parties put in all their income from which they pay all the bills and execute all projects. Yet in some others, the man foots all or most of the bills and the woman decides which bill(s) to help out with. Each family should talk about it and decide which is more comfortable and works better for them. You and your better half can experiment and see which works for you or you can start from one and grow into the other but by all means, avoid financial unfaithfulness. In all, there should be understanding and sincerity from the couple with the interest of the family in mind. Marriage is a partnership, therefore, there should be unity of purpose and team work, for where there is love and sincerity, money will hardly be a problem even if it is not enough.

Just like life, marriage is not always a bed of roses as there are up and down times but the understanding and love of both partners will carry the union through the down times. When one is weak, the other should be strong and vice versa. This also counts when one partner is down financially – when one partner loses his/her job or business is not booming as usually. One problem most people face financially in marrige is not depositing enough into their partners’ emotional account when the going is good but expects to withdraw much more when the going gets tough/bad. If you are unfaithful, dishonest or hardly recognize and appreciate your significant other’s effort in contributing to the success of the family or treat him/her like trash when you are financially stable, s/he will hardly want to give what you what you did not give when the going gets bad. I am not advocating for the do-me-I-do-you approach but sometimes we give too little and expect too much from our partners and this is not fair. My candid advice, ACT WELL YOUR PART ALWAYS regardless of your spouse’s behaviour, this may be hard at first, but when you learn to accept them for who they are and not who you want them to be, it gradually becomes less of a burden and the change you desire begins to appear, that is why it is very important to KNOW your partner while dating/courting.

Photo credit: Quizzcreator

Opposite attracts, this may mean that while one person spends freely, the other is economical and while one may prefer to shop for designers’ or expensive brands, the other may prefer affordable brands without the big names. Hence, know/understand your spouse’s strength and weaknesses especially as it concerns money, this can be achieved via communicating each other’s views and coming to a compromise. If one partner is a spendthrift, the other who is thrifty should be in charge of keeping the family’s finance for the day-to-day running of the home. If they are prudent but not trust worthy in money issues, discuss your fears/concerns amicably and encourage him/her to keep a detailed account of transactions made but be tactful about this so it will not be misinterpreted as being too stingy, nosy or bossy. Sometimes, let little things go by choosing your battles wisely. Do not react to everything. The ones you can ignore, ignore by all means and the ones you need clarifications on, ask courteously at the right time and be ready to listen to the explanation(s) that follows, think before reacting.

Lastly, it takes two to tango. Do not give your better half the impression that your money belongs to you, that way they may want to get theirs or leave you to your ruin, remember, marriage is not a competition. The moment the other person knows that they have stake(s) in the union; they become genuinely concerned on how to improve and manage the union resources wisely. Carry your partner along in projects you intend to embark on, ask for their opinion, do the SWOT (Strengths Weaknesses Opportunities Threats) analysis of the opinions together and arrive at a conclusion, remember you are teammates. By doing this, the other person is aware of the reason(s) for the shortage of cash in the house and would want to support the best way possible because s/he is a key stakeholder hence, strengthening the bond and trust between you both. When the project is executed, do not take the glory alone, acknowledge the sacrifices and contributions of your teammate and celebrate together. Be the change you want to see, if you desire any good trait in your spouse, show it first and see the other person change but give it time and keep an open mind in case they do not change eventually, just love them anyways.

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