Wines and Spices: Recreating and Refreshing Your Marital Bliss (episode II)

Wines and Spices: Recreating and Refreshing Your Marital Bliss (episode II)
By Comfort Umoren-Olorunnisomo

Photo credit: Vincarta

Continuing from the last episode on sex which focused on women, this episode covers what men can do to zing up their sex life in marriage. Call them alpha male or beta male, these folks are saddled with the big responsibility of making sure everyone in the family is well provided for but it doesn’t just end there and this is where most men get it wrong. The sexual satisfaction of the wife is also a duty most men either shy away from or are ignorant of as most of them tend to see sex as a one way route where only the man deserves to be satisfied and once this is achieved, the woman is expected or assumed to be satisfied too. This has resulted in crises, infidelity or a boring and inactive sexual experience among couples.

The African culture excuses a man’s infidelity against his wife and this has made most men not to put in any extra effort in recognizing and satisfying their wife’s sexual needs especially since the society permits them to get satisfaction outside of their marriage especially if the wife is believed not to be capable. The general perception that men are natural hunters who get tired of their ‘prey’ when there is no more chasing to do, hence go on another quest to hunt/chase, and that men are polygamous in nature are misleading. Going by this theory, many men have become lazy or consider it a waste of valuable time, energy and resources to recreate their hunting quest with their wives. This could be because of the woman’s new body shape as a result of child bearing, her low libido or the man’s thirst for a new catch. Whichever reason it is, recreating and refreshing your sexual intimacy with your wife is still the best deal. How? This article was written with you in mind.

The first step is changing your mindset that your wife is not sexy or cannot satisfy you in bed. You get what you give. If the same woman was able to satisfy you some years back, made you crazy enough to choose her or maybe hasn’t been good in bed all the while, you as the expert/experienced one in this area, why take your expertise elsewhere when you can teach and share your wealth of knowledge or years of experience with her? This brings us back to some men seeing sex with your wife as a one way communication where feedback, arousing/foreplay, appreciating their wife’s body and making love to her aren’t necessary. Consciously or unconsciously, the woman saps this repeated actions and non-verbal cues in and forms the perception that sex is a routine or an act to produce children which isn't meant to be enjoyed.

Communication is important but a two-way communication is key. Talk with your wife about sex related issues – her sexual fantasies, weak spots, your sexual performance among others. This kind of conversation can only occur when you make her your friend and allow her to freely express herself without you using her words against her. It’s a heart-to-heart talk where each pours out his/her heart to the other without being ashamed or afraid of the other. There is no end to communication, even during sex, try to communicate with your body and words (at intervals) to know if you are on the right track and when she/you are close to orgasm/climax. Some men do these and more with ‘side chicks’ but go in and out of their wives without any intimate connection/communication. After everything, don’t just push her aside and snore off, make her feel appreciated by cuddling her, telling her how much you love her and asking if she is satisfied. This shows you care about her and not just your sexual urge.

Also, whatever you see out there and appreciate especially in other ladies, get it for your wife – a sexy dress, perfume, shoes, undies and the likes. Surprise her with little gifts now and then, don’t wait for special occasions to express your love for her that way, she will be willing and ready to put in effort to always give you pleasure.

Interestingly, Valentine is just a day away, you could start from there. Plan a romantic outing or give her a treat at home to (re)create and (re)ignite your activities in the other room. Start by sending her romantic messages or appreciating her honestly, get her a little gift if you can (a sexy dress, lingerie or something you think she would like), take her on a surprise dinner or plan to host her to a dinner at home. If at home, you can follow the steps in the previous article – assist in the kitchen, prepare dinner or order for one, clean up (brush and bathe), get two glasses of wine, give her a massage while a cool romantic music/film plays in the background or lip sync/dance for her or anything that can amuse and set the mood right, if you bought her a lingerie, assist her in putting it on or just watch her do it, don’t rush or jump on her next, take your time to do everything right and let your heart guide you. Do this often, not just for valentine alone and it doesn’t have to always end up in sex.

Photo credit: Alamy

In addition, be sensitive to your partner's needs. Timing is key. Know when to request for sex from your partner, in other words, be considerate. Demanding for sex when she's tired, sick or not in the mood isn't the best deal and don't act nice only when you want sex. Invest in her emotional bank so that when it's time to withdraw from it, there will be enough to fetch. The woman you called ugly or fat yesterday cannot be the prettiest woman in the world the next day because you want to have your way. Say nice things to her, assist her when she's tired/has a lot to do, get her gifts on ordinary days, plan romantic getaways once in a while and many others, these are ways of investing in her emotional bank.

It has been proven that the sexual drive in individuals differs. Put simply, some person's may prefer to have sex everyday if given the opportunity while the some others may want it once in a while. It is very important to know your partner's level. If yours is higher than hers, both of you have to talk about it and be ready to shift grounds to meet the other half way. The person with a lesser sex drive may need to step up his/her game while the other person adjusts to meet his/her partner's halfway while s/he improves. Negotiation is not only meant for business transactions, it is also vital in marriage.
In conclusion, love your partner and be ready to go the extra mile to satisfy him/her as their happiness is tied to yours. If you don't like something about them, help them to make adjustments by pointing out the area(s) in a loving and affectionate way instead of going out to get a solution which may destroy the happiness and peace of your home. Be sensitive, be patient and be caring to your spouse regardless of your/their age, size, behaviour or financial status. I'll leave with this Japanese wisdom below as I look forward to sharing with you the other two causes of crises in marriages in Parts 2 and 3 (Communication and Money) next week. Have an amazing and fun-filled Valentine. Cheers!


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