Modern day parenting: which style do you adopt?
Modern Day Parenting: Which Style Do you Adopt?
By Comfort Umoren-Olorunnisomo
Parenting is such a big deal. While some parents plan and adopt a particular style in raising their kids, others prefer free styling. Some parents inherited their parenting style from their parents. So the question becomes - Who taught you how to become a parent? Who taught the person who taught you and the person who taught the person who taught you? On what moral standard(s) and principles were these parenting styles built on? The most adopted parenting style is by trial and error. This may have a positive or damaging effect on the first child who in most cases is the first specimen in our experimental lab of parenting after which we get better. In this episode, we will be discussing the different parenting styles.
Freedom and restrictions are two tools parents use in training their children. While these two are at different ends of the parenting pole, the degree of freedom allowed and restriction demanded make up the parenting styles. Diane Baumrind, a developmental psychologist, in the 1960s came up with the four Baumrind parenting styles namely the authoritarian, authoritative, permissive and uninvolved. Theses styles were developed with considerations to discipline, communication, nurturance and expectations from parents to their offspring.
Parents under the Authorotiarian/Disciplinarian style are strict, controlling, rigid and demanding (Rosenthal, 2009 and Bright Horizons, 2020). They encourage strict adherence to instructions, failure of which attracts punishment. They also prefer one way flow of communication where there is only one known sender (parents) and one receiver (children). They have high expectations for their children but are less responsive. This kind of parenting is at the extreme of the restriction pole. Children raised this way may do very well or become total failure in school due to pressure and threats from parents, are well composed in public and grow to become careful and introverted adults. However, Mediavine (2020) points out that the disadvantages of this style is that such kids turn out to be less creative, less social, timid, lack spontaneity, have low self esteem and are more prone to mental health issues such as depression, suicidal attempts and may have violent tendencies. In some cases, when such children taste freedom for the first time, they tend to abuse it and become wilder than their counterparts who enjoyed freedom.
Moving further away from the authoritarian extreme is the Authoritative parenting style. This style supports maintenance of authority and control via setting rules and enforcing boundaries with high standards but with some degree of receptiveness and warmth (Rosenthal, 2009 and Mediavine, 2020). Parents here, strive to strike a balance between freedom and restriction via a two way flow of communication between parents and children. They encourage freedom of expression and independence. Such children turn out to be independent, higher achievers and competent adults with great social skills, good self esteem and better mental health. On the flip side, the children may abuse their freedom of speech via lies and manipulation.
On the other hand, Permissive parents tend to make less demand on their children. They are more responsive than they are demanding i.e they are more concerned about being friends than parents to their kids, they offer less guidance and direction (Bright Horizons, 2020). This could be as a result of a number of reasons/excuses ranging from not tampering with the child’s creativity and self esteem, to winning the child’s love, to covering up for what they cannot provide or what they (parents) lacked as kids (time, attention, presence or material things), to compensating them for good grades, behaviours or skills, to treating the child as a growing adult and finally out of parents’ laziness or indifference towards the child. Children trained via this style usually have great social skills, higher level of self esteem and lower level of depression compared to their authoritarian peers. However, when such parents try to regain control or there’s an absence of what they (children) used to enjoy, they turn out with social vices such as drug abuse, stealing, sexual abuse and violence among others. According to Mediavine (2020), such kids as adults hardly follow rules, have self control issues, always feel entitled and are egocentric thereby, having issues with maintaining relationships.
Lastly, is the Uninvolved parenting style. Parents in this category do not demand nor expect anything from their children; this is at the other end of the freedom side. Here, everyone is free to do as they wish with little or no communication. No checks and balances, sometimes because such parents know no better or are suffering from mental health related issues (depression or drug/sexual/physical abuse). The aftermath of this in the child’s life is an impulsive and delinquent adult with mental health and self regulating issues.
All in all, other factors such as culture, environment, media and temperaments may play a role in children’s lives, however, the parts acted and the styles adopted by parents play the hugest roles in how these kids turn out to be in the future. While most professionals opine that the authoritative parenting style is the best in modern day parenting, I personally think that a blend of almost all the styles may be needed at different times and situations depending on the uniqueness of each child as a style may help mould a child but the same style may have a damaging effect on another child and not allow him/her realise his/her full potential, hence, understanding the uniqueness of each of your children is key. Whichever style you are adopting or hope to adopt in bringing up your child(ren), ensure it is done with the interest of humanity in mind.
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